Sunshine in April

Do you know the phrase no one can make you angry, but you? Or that no one can make you sad, happy, frustrated, but you? That these are your own thoughts, feelings, and interpretations – they are yours and not anyone else’s? There is truth to this and here I’ll explain why and how to build more insight.

An event is just an event (objective). It is our interpretation of an event that gives it meaning (subjective). For example, let’s take a car wreck, an event that happens multiple times every day. And let’s layer it with a death from the car wreck. Also, something that happens every day in the US. A car wreck is an event. Someone dying is an event. We can watch the news or scroll through social media and learn about a car wreck that ends in death, but unless it impacts you in some way, it remains an event.  

Our interpretation changes if we know the person who died, yet also depends on how close we are to that person. If simply an acquaintance, we may think it a tragedy and move on. If it is a friend, we will feel that loss more greatly. And if it is a close friend or family member, we may feel devastated in reaction to that event.

The car accident remains an event. The event never changed, but our interpretation of the event changed based on different variables, which are all connected to us. The closer the connection and bigger the impact on our daily lives, the stronger our thoughts and feelings in reaction to that event.

Now let’s take a leap into our closest relationships, like a significant other (SO). You know that habit your SO does that drives you nuts? Maybe spitting goobers on the sidewalk (we), driving like a bat trying to fly out of hell (hold on), interrupting when you’re talking (rude), or talking when you’re trying to watch a movie (please just stop). All are simply events. Yep. Just events. It is the reaction to the events that give meaning. Others won’t have the same reaction as you and there are variables that impact their own reaction. Yet, each of our reactions are our own. Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are our own and based on our own interpretations.

EXERCISE

My challenge for you in order to build insight into how you think is to keep an Automatic Thought Record (ATR) for three to four days, and preferably over a week. If you’re super zealous, you can track most events daily, but most may want to focus on events we have the strongest reactions to. We are going to focus on those.

Events: Write the objective event. This means the facts that can all be agreed upon. .

Thoughts: These are automatic and often unconscious because they just pop into our heads without us actively thinking about them. The challenge is to stop and pay attention to them so you can see what patterns of thinking may not be. Write down as many thoughts that pop into your mind as possible that you have around the event. Be as honest with yourself as possible.

Feelings: Write all the feels experienced around the event. These are different than thoughts, but people often get them confused. I felt like … NOPE. That is a thought, not a feeling. I felt like I was going crazy does not describe a feel. It describes what you are thinking. What feeling goes along with that? Are you so excited that your mind is racing with energy? Are you so damn angry and it is taking everything in your power not to scream? Feelings include frustration, sadness, content, courageous, lonely and many more.

If you are stuck on identifying emotions, you can look up feeling chart, feeling wheel, or feeling faces to find more terms to use. I like the feeling faces, even for adults because many of us were not taught about feelings. Print a chart, wheel, or better the faces and place them on your fridge or mirror. That way you can check in and start to understand what feelings you are having and build your feeling vocabulary more.

Intensity of Feelings: Not only can more feeling vocabulary words help, but also looking at the intensity of those feelings.

Behaviors: This is what you say or do. When those words you were thinking come flying out of your mouth? That is a behavior. Behaviors include what you say out loud, facial expressions, ad actions. Here we are looking at what you do as a result of the event and which is connected to your automatic thoughts.

Outcome: This means what happened as a result of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Did the event end in a fight with your partner? Did the event end with you thinking about the event all day? Did you solve a problem with a coworker?

Here are two examples of the same event, being cut off in traffic. Most of us have experienced at some point. Which response was your reaction most like?  

Automatic Thought Record (ATR) examples of same event

Event: What happened	Thoughts: What were you thinking	Feelings: Write all feelings you experienced	Intensity of feelings: Scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being most intense	Behaviors: What did you do as a result	Outcome: What were the results of those thoughts, feelings and behaviors?
Someone cut you off in traffic on your way to work.	What a stupid jerk! You dumbass, what are you doing? UGH, I cannot believe people sometimes.	Anger Frustration Irritation Shocked	8 6 9 5	Say what you thought out loud along with a slew of expletives. Flip other driver off as you sped past and cut him off.	Could not stop thinking about how that jerk ruined your day. Told coworkers about what happened and got angrier about the indignity of it. Had a horrible day, got home and yelled at the dog for shredding her chew toy.
Someone cut you off in traffic on your way to work.	Well, he must be in a hurry. Hope nothing serious is going on. Or maybe he’s late. Whatever.	Annoyed Surprised	1 3	Said whatever out loud. Backed off so you wouldn’t be caught up in a potential wreck.	Let it go because you’ve done that before when in a hurry. Had a great day.

You can copy/paste this into your own document or find an online version. You will find many different versions online, but I prefer this one that I learned and used in graduate school. Whatever you use, print it out and write it down. Writing by hand gives a layer of release that typing does not. And can help open the door to more thoughts, feelings and behaviors. But typing it out is a great second option. A third option is to voice record into your chart.