Sunshine in April

Heading to Harmony Hill on Friday!

Tuesday. After my first chemo session in March, my next two days were more of the same issues.  It is so hard to rest those first couple of nights, so I go to bed, go to the couch, back to bed, sometimes back to the couch.  It’s not a fun cycle, and I am not always steady on my feet in those transitions, so I have to be careful not to lose my balance.  On Wednesday, I took Bear on a little stroll and did minimal chores around the house, which helped me feel a little better.  I was too tired on Thursday to do much of anything, so it was an “I love my couch” kind of day.  In spite of losing most of my eyebrows and eyelashes at this stage, I continue to be excited about my little bit of peach fuzz sprouting on my head, though to others, I still look bald.

Image:  Losing eyebrow.  I can see the peach fuzz, can you?!

 

Work. It is good to focus on opening classes and updating info, but when working on updating info for my suicide lecture, I am reminded that cancer is the second leading cause of death in the United States.  FUCK!  That is a reminder I did not need right now.  On the other hand, it’s okay for me to be reminded about this because I’ll probably forget it all by the end of the day anyway.  The memory issues are getting worse.

In case you were wondering, heart disease is the leading cause of death and suicide is 10^th overall.  A lot of people think Washington is a top suicide state because of the wet and grey winters in the western portion of the state, but it falls somewhere in the middle.  Alaska, Montana, New Mexico, Wyoming tend to consistently have the highest rates each year.

 

Harmony Hill. Friday, March 9.  I have been quite excited about this 3-day getaway.  And, bonus, it was free – other than $25 per person application fee, which can be waived if you cannot afford it.   You just have to get yourself there and home.

Harmony Hill is a nonprofit retreat center that “…began with Gretchen Schodde’s dream to create a retreat center where people could experience renewal and deep well-being. In 1986, Harmony Hill opened its doors as a nonprofit retreat facility focusing on wellness. In 1994, we added our Cancer Program , the heart of our mission, to support those affected by cancer, including caregivers and health professionals. In 2004, we began offering our cancer-related programs at no charge.” (https://www.harmonyhill.org/about-us/)

Image:  Harmony Hill Main Lodge.  Our room is top right window.

Harmony Hill is located in Union, Washington, which is only about an hour from our home, so we arrived around 10:30 am.  We were shown to our room upstairs, which had three single beds.  Two other bedrooms were on our floor, and we shared a bathroom.  I never went into the other two ‘housing’ areas, but think they are the same / similar in setup.  Our house had one bedroom downstairs as well as the main dining area.  I was rather tired from the excitement and the (short) journey, so we rested in our room until lunchtime.  While resting, I checked out our schedule for the three days.  It is quite a full starting today with lunch and ending on Sunday with a final group session after lunch.  All but one of the meals are vegetarian.

 

Since I do not have permission to use names from the cancer patients or their families, I am only sharing bits of information about the people I met.  

Lunch with strangers.  The food is served buffet style with the menu written on a chalk board. We have four tables in the dining area, two of which are by the window with a view of Puget Sound, which is just across the road from the retreat center.  With every meal, I positioned myself to have a water view.  It was so beautiful, and I find the view rejuvenating.  For our first lunch, we sat with two couples and a mother daughter pair.  It was fun albeit a bit awkward getting to know these strangers and hearing little bits of their stories.  The husband of one of the couples was only staying for lunch, but said he wished he was staying for the weekend.

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Image:  Me standing on bitty balcony in next room over from ours and overlooking the dining hall.

Welcome and Orientation. After lunch, we attended ‘welcome and orientation’ where we sat in a large circle with all of the attendees, house parents, group session leaders, yoga/meditation guide and Gretchen.  Each house has a ‘house parent’ who is there day and night for any of your needs, including just someone to sit with you at any time.  We went around the room, introducing ourselves, along with answering a prompt question that I do not remember.  I do remember one attendee saying that she was ‘fucking angry’ and opened the room up for great ice breaking laughter at saying out loud what many of us have felt and continue to feel at times.  After our group orientation, we broke into smaller groups and decorated our new blank journals given to us as one of our therapeutic modalities.  We sat with some of our same lunchmates and score, my new friend had brought some bling!  Thank you for sharing.  My newly decorated and quite shiny journal is ready.

Image:  View from Creekside Lodge where group meetings and meditation sessions are held.

Meditation. After our decorating session, our afternoon session was a meditation / movement class.  I was so looking forward to some gentle yoga, however, we did not have very much movement as it was mostly meditation.  I was quite disappointed because I am horrible at meditation by itself, but love my kind of meditation mixed in with movement such as yoga or other forms of exercise.

Dinner. I don’t remember who we sat with at our first dinner, but I do remember that most every meal was quite delicious, and with each meal, we sat with a fun and interesting mix of attendees and staff.  Our vegetarian menu was nicely displayed, and it was fun to try new dishes.   I do remember enjoying the company at each meal as we started moving from strangers into acquaintances.  And, of course, I had my water view, which is a sort of meditation within itself for me.

Image:  One of our breakfest menus (the other images did not turn out well).

Group. Our evening session was akin to group therapy.  The large group was broken down in to two smaller groups.  Our group consisted of male/female couples.  It was unusual for them to have so many males in attendance, and we had five there for the weekend.  It was supposed to be six, but one couple was unable to attend.  I was one of the first to speak in the circle – this was NOT on purpose.  It was one of those times when you hope to go last, but find the sequence starting with the person next to you; in this case, my spouse.  I just opened up and cried as I spoke.  I don’t remember what I said, only that being there and around others dealing with the big C made it safe and supportive.  I think being so vulnerable helped open the door for others as well.  We are all dealing with this huge life and death medical issue that is generally associated with death so many of us are just hanging on by a thread trying to get through each day.

In our group of five couples, two of our ladies had caught their cancers early and only needed surgery and radiation.  Two other ladies were stage IV and working to have as much of a balance between quantity and quality of life as their treatment options could provide.  I was right in the middle.

My cancer versus your cancer.  It is hard not to do social comparisons to others, especially those dealing with the same life issues.  Social comparison theory tells us that these comparisons influence how we view ourselves.  For example, one of the ladies thought in some way that she didn’t belong because she ‘only’ had surgery and radiation and did not have to endure chemotherapy, so in a way, she didn’t really have cancr.  I felt strange being in the middle because on the one hand, how awesome would it be to not have to go through chemo, and on the other hand, how lucky am I that I am probably going to come out of this without facing treatment for the rest of my life in order to survive.  I will admit that I am thankful I am only in stage II (as far as we know at this point) and hopeful for a future.  I don’t think it ever crossed my mind before this to be envious of others who ‘only’ had surgery and radiation.  I don’t even think I knew that was a treatment option for some.  We ALL were diagnosed with cancer, which is a total blow to the ‘self’ no matter what stage.  And our partners /spouses are there to support us.

In group, our guide worked to help us bridge the divide (imaginary or real) between our differing levels of treatment and prognoses.  We did a mix of talking, listening, journaling, and a small bit of movement.  Some still had walls up, which is completely understandable, and we only had a short time to chip at those walls for our short three days together.

Saturday.  Meditation.  Again.  I’d love to say I had great sleep there, but I was quite stuffy all night struggling to breath.  I opened the window some time in the night for some fresh air and was already up when the 7:15 bell rang as our ‘wake up’ call.  Morning meditation was from 7:30 to 8, then breakfast was to be served at 8.  I was here for a new experience, so I went over to try the morning meditation and try to keep an open mind.  Though it was only a half hour session, it seemed like f o r e v e r!  I kept peeking at the clock to see if meditation time was over and we could head to breakfast.  I was very happy when we were done.

Saturday was quite the full day with a group session starting after breakfast, then a food and nutrition class followed by lunch.  We had some free time after lunch and a group of us walked down to the water.  On our way, we made a quick stop at the labyrinth orientation as there are two on the property.

“A labyrinth is a patterned path, often circular in form, used as a walking meditation or spiritual practice. A labyrinth’s walkway is arranged in such a way that the participant moves back and forth across the circular form through a series of curves, ending at the labyrinths’s heart or center. It is unicursal, which means that it has only one entrance and leads in only one direction.”  (https://www.encyclopedia.com/medicine/encyclopedias-almanacs-transcripts-and-maps/labyrinth-walking)

A walking form of meditation?  Hmmm… I think I like this idea!

“The proportions of the labyrinth are based on sacred geometry—ancient knowledge that is expressed through architectural forms. The proportions of the labyrinth are designed to bring rest, order, comfort, and harmony to the mind. In moving through the labyrinth, the chattering, worrying “monkey-mind” becomes occupied with the action of following the path, leaving the intuitive, deeper levels of awareness free to be explored and engaged. There are other symbolic approaches to walking the path: seeing it as a metaphor for life, experiencing it as a journey into darkness and back again; regarding it as a path to meet with God or a higher power.”  (http://www.newlifepcusa.org/pages/lab_how.html)

Now I totally understand why they made two labyrinths at Harmony Hill.  My ‘monkey-mind’ can go into overdrive at times, which is why I like exercising so much.  It forces me to focus on what I am doing and forget about the rest.  In my current state where my favorite movement meditation is limited, I like the idea of a labyrinth.  Maybe this is why I like taking walks.

Later in the day, I walked with one of my new friends around one of the labyrinths while she sang hymnals.  I am not a religious person, but my fondest memories of church growing up was the singing.  It was a wonderfully peaceful few moments of moving meditation with a sweet familiar song.

Image:  The gate to the wheel chair accessible labyrinth.  

Grey and I also did the short hike up the hill and around the back of the property through the wooded area.  It was a lovely outing down to the water with our new friends and a nice hike up the hill with just the two of us.  Unfortunately, I was forcefully reminded that I am still in chemotherapy and my energy level and stamina are at an all-time low.  I was quite exhausted from the whole experience, so we went back and spent some quiet time in our room.  We emerged for the 6:30 dinner, then headed over to play some games with our new friends.  What a great Saturday night.

Sunday.  We had another busy schedule on Sunday, starting with breakfast followed by another group session.  I am sure it is no surprise that I skipped the rest of the meditation/movement sessions on Saturday afternoon, Sunday before breakfast and Sunday late morning!  I really did try, and I do understand the important benefits that come with meditation.  And, I understand that simple movement and stillness are important for cancer patients as that is all many of us are able to muster at times.  I am still not giving in or giving up on my kind of movement meditation!

Heading home.  Too quickly, it was time to say good bye after lunch in our whole group gathering.  I still have my sachet of lavender that was passed around to everyone and have very fond memories of the experience and people I met there.  All of the staff and volunteers at Harmony Hill were great.  Our house mother was so sweet and kind.  Her mom was our group leader and I loved her calm demeanor and encouragement through the entire weekend.

 

Heading Home.  On the way home, Grey and I stopped at Alderbrook Resort to walk down to the dock.  We met up with one of the couples from Harmony Hill, who reminded us the most of… us!  A couple who we easily could have been friends with naturally had we met under different circumstances and lived closer together.  Now we are bonded over cancer and keep in touch through the special bond forged.  I LOVE when my new friend reaches out, and it is a great reminder to do some reaching out myself, which I am not the best at.

Image:  On the dock at Alderbrook.

 

Senior Moment. After we left Alderbrook, I wanted to stop at Little Creek Casino, have dinner and do a little gambling.  I have not been to a casino since before being diagnosed, and love donating money to the slot machines.  😉  I know the odds are horrible, but I still enjoy spending an hour or two at them on occasion.  We ate at the Island Grille as I was wanting a seafood fix.  As we sat there, I realized how exhausted I was and in no mood to actually gamble.  When the young waiter brought our food, I questioned why he brought me lobster mac ‘n cheese instead of the lobster lasagna that I ordered.  I am sure my tone was not the nicest – I am not that nice when tired.  Sorry, kid.  He looked at me with shock and confusion until Grey gently nodded and waved him away.

They don’t even have lobster lasagna on the menu.

We laughed so hard at my horrendous short term memory and then laughed even harder when the kid brought our check that included the senior discount!  Dammit, I’m not even 48 yet, but that was definitely a senior moment.  And, who am I to argue with a 10% discount on our meal?!

I think it is time to go home and rest!

 

I could write so much more about the people we met at Harmony Hill, but again, without permission I do not feel comfortable sharing any more personal information.  If any of you who were there read this, just know that simply your presence and willingness to be present in the moment are so appreciated.  I thank all of our caregivers who attended this retreat with us, by our side, helping us as we walk these difficult steps through the experience of having cancer and, for some, knowing that living with cancer and not having had cancer is what the future holds.

I was so inspired by this experience.  I want to give back.  I want to be part of other’s healing journeys.  I want to be there for others facing this crisis.  I could see having my own version of Harmony Hill and welcoming cancer patients with open loving arms.

 

Current status:  A part of me wants to completely forget this whole past year and experience, which is why it has been much harder to write about since finishing treatment in June.  I understand why people try to just leave this whole mess in the past and move on like it never happened.  As I sit here today having not had the energy to do much of anything, I was reminded of what my body has been through and that my brain and body are not and will likely never be completely over this experience whether the cancer comes back or not.  I am thankful for this day and this beautiful weather.  I am thankful that I had enough energy to enjoy a 5-day camping vacation with friends and was strong enough to help with the workload in packing up camp.  I am still learning to be okay with the fact that my energy level and stamina will be impacted for some time.  My movement meditation remains in first gear.