Sunshine in April

Life does not care that you are weak and struggling, and daily stressors don’t go away just because you have cancer and are receiving chemo.  The everyday and what seems like mundane tasks, such as dealing with your rowdy dog, dealing with things for your kid, or even just a trip to the store become even more significant.

Sunday, January 28. Even though I am immune compromised and tire easily, I do try to get out and function some.  When I do go out, I use the disabled entrance and open doors by pushing the button with my elbow, and I keep hand sanitizer in my car so I can cleanse my hands from public space cooties.  Today, we went to the mall to get Mikala some clothes – quit growing kid.  We weren’t there very long when I was ready to cry from exhaustion, and probably anger, too.  I got so tired so fast that I wanted to throw a tantrum.  That’s really not going to help with the fatigue, and as much as I wanted to throw myself on the ground wailing and pounding way, I chose not to.  My patience is not something I am able to keep completely in check right now, so that took some restraint.  Plus, people still stare when I am out, so today I had to make the conscious decision to look away because I am not sure what’s going to come out of my mouth if I catch people staring.

We finished up at the mall and went to Barnes & Noble, where I stayed in the car.  I did have my mini meltdown in the car while Grey and Mikala were in the store.  Some people go through all of this shit only to die anyway.  That is such a horrible thing to think, and I want to stay strong, but sometimes those thoughts do enter.  I just want quality of life.  I don’t want to be one of those 90 year olds who is barely able to move.  I want to be out visiting, going on walks, exploring new restaurants (remember I love to eat)…  So, I tell myself that this is temporary so I can have more quantity and the quality will come back with time.  For the rest of our errand runs (just to Safeway for groceries), I car sit because that is all I have left, and I can at least be out of the house.

Late that afternoon was Aiden’s (grandson) birthday party at Charlie Safari.  We had already decided that me going there would be a bad idea because of the rampant amount of kid germs being shared on the jump toys and such.  So, I keep my worn out self at home and rest, sad to miss the celebration.  And as my tired self sits at home trying to recover, there comes the familiar anxiety.  I hate chemo!

Mon. 1/29.  As I try to function and take care of my mom duties, I took Mikala to her orthodontist appointment where she finally got her BRACES OFF – YEAH!!  We then went to doc for her ADHD assessment, which includes forms from us as her parents and her teachers at school.  I’ve battled this knowledge and diagnosis for years because I don’t want her on meds unless necessary.  This was a secondary issue due to her stomach migraines (aka cyclical vomiting syndrome), which took 7 years to get diagnosed.  She has already been on a number of different medications throughout the years in trying to treat her issues before we knew what we were dealing with.  So, we worked around her distractibility and issues with staying on task for her entire life, but now she has been asking for help.  We are working on several different ideas with her school and keeping meds on the back burner for now.

Image:  No Braces!

Tue. 1/30.  Today is my last chemo for the month of January.  This is the fourth of the twelve Taxol infusions.  I am tired (big surprise there) and have to sit there for a few hours, where I am not able to sleep, so I work on my writing my blog.  Afterwards, I take myself out to lunch and get a burger and tater tots.  Ew!  Minor nausea.  Uh-oh, maybe my choice of greasy foods (I love tater tots) was not the best.  I made better choices for dinner and still had some minor nausea.  Damn that poison!

Later that day at home, Bear was being crazy, growling and baring teeth at the new dog next door.  Bear is a 3 year old pitbull who is not very dog friendly and has been the hardest dog ever to train (I know I am exaggerating here).  Our past dogs have been so well trained and most everyone loved our last girl, Bella (also a pitbull).  I could take her anywhere with no issues and usually walked her without a leash.  Bear?!  Well, his nickname is Fuckerhead, and it fits him quite well at times.  I really wanted him to find a new home, but…  we decided to keep him and love him as he is.  He is my mentally challenged alpha male, and I am pretty sure I was duped and his parents were siblings (he also has some other health issues).  He actually is a sweetheart most of the time, loves people (dogs are hit or miss), and especially loves his two cat brother (one loves him back), but all of the wheels are simply not turning together.  Anyway, as he is being crazy with sweet Holly (shephard mix) next door, I go to grab him to guide him in because he isn’t listening, and his 85 lb self takes off in the opposite direct, yanking my weakened arm and shoulder.  OUCH!  Yep, Fuckerhead!

Image:  Fuckerhead, aka Bear

Thursday.  February 1.  I have made it to February – yeah!  Only two more months of chemo to go – boo!  I am still battling the mouth sores and the fatigue is catching back up with me.  The first few of these infusions were much easier than the A/C, but it’s still not easy and the side effects are no fun.  At least the tummy troubles seem to be under control, at least for now.

Today is the second time I meet up with Amy, who is also going through breast cancer treatment about four months ahead of me in the process.  We talk like we’ve known each other for years.  It is such a comfort being with someone who knows exactly what you are going through.  Who knows the punch in the gut feeling when you are told, YES, it is cancer.  Who has been through the ‘little red devil’ and survived to tell the tale.  We visit for as long as we can before life leads us back to our duties and obligations.  I am so thankful for our time together.

Weekend:  A Festival of Folktales and a Super Bowl.  Mikala’s drama performance, A Festival of Folktales, was Friday night, and we met Lacy, Landon and my friend Ann there to watch the show.  The kids do an amazing job and each of the ‘mini’ plays were fun and entertaining.  Then on Sunday, we head over to Terrie’s house to hang out with friends and watch the Super Bowl.  Terrie is so sweet, making sure she has food I can eat.  I think I even lasted through the whole Super Bowl, but I don’t remember.  Yeah for a weekend full of distractions that helped alleviate some of the usual anxiety.

Monday. 2/5.  Cold molasses.  Turtle.  Sloth.  Those are words I use to describe my daughter on mornings like this one.  She has her grandfather’s (shhh, her dad can be like this, too) concept of time, which basically doesn’t exist.  And, she is absolutely not a morning person.  Next year when she heads off to the very early starting high school, it is going to be brutal.  Even with an 8:50am start time this year, she runs late.  On top of that, when she is anxious, she tries some pretty nifty stalling and distraction techniques.  She knows me so well and what questions to ask in order to distract me and get me to answer.  Damn smart kid anyway.  Today, she is supposed to be at school by 8 because the 8^th grade band has an event at the University of Washington in Seattle.  In order to get her moving faster, and because we were distracted yesterday by the Super Bowl, I pack her bag: Snacks, water, phone, battery, charger cord.  The cell phone is actually a good distraction for her when she needs to do things that increase her anxiety, like riding a bus in the mornings.

I generally try to attend as many field trips as possible and am even the PTO President for the second year in a row.  I am one of the suckers who shows up for meetings and when you do that, you get roped into helping.  This year, I have had to take a huge step back in order to take care of myself, get to all of the appointments, and I just don’t have the stamina to help.  As much as I’d like to go on the field trip (you get to experience new events and places that you may not otherwise experience), I don’t want to drive to the University of Washington and be around a bunch of middle schoolers along with a bunch of college kids.  That is a lot of exposure to a wide range of germs and this is a bad flu season.

I get my turtle, aka Mikala, to school only a few minutes after 8, where we figure out that she not only does not have her music, she doesn’t have her instrument either.  Really?!  Are you kidding me?!  UGH!  (Slow, deep breaths.  She really does have ADHD.  Stay calm, momma!)  I guess she sort of needs the instrument in order to play…  So, I race back home (it’ s a 7 minute drive), grabbing her music and instrument, and racing back to school.  She was settled in on the bus doing okay until mom came back.  OMG – massive breakdown.  She started freaking out and crying for me to “please, please” take her. She could “not get back on the bus…”  Thankfully they had not been waiting on me to come back, but on another student who was a ‘no show’.  I don’t know if the student ever showed up or not, but they were running out of time and her band teacher was encouraging her to come get back on the bus.  My resolve was weakened by her big tears and pleading eyes that were full of fear.  It is really hard balancing out how much you are helping a child with severe anxiety (on top of other issues) versus enabling her anxiety to control her.

Well, damn, now I am driving to Seattle.  Have I said how much I hate hot flashes and how bad they are at night?  And that I had not yet showered this morning?

We get in the car and raced back home for me to shower and get ready as quickly as possible.  Then, I became a race car driver with the rest of the bunch on I5.  It seems that lately on I5 between Olympia and Seattle your choices are to be completely stuck in stop and go traffic or go with the flow of traffic at almost 80 mph, which I don’t mind so much.  We had a mix of both with smooth traffic most of the way there then stop and go traffic once we got closer to the city.  I took the wrong exit, finally made my way over to campus, then had a hell of time navigating UW campus and figuring out where to park.  I am great with maps, but this is not a campus I am familiar with in any way, so it was an obstacle course of figuring out where to go while watching for droves of students crossing in every direction.  We were finally directed to the farthest parking lot possible where it says there is visitor parking, but I kept missing the itty bitty sign of where exactly that visitor parking was supposed to be.  I guess the sign wasn’t really that small, but in a frantic state of racing the clock, it seemed hidden from me.

We finally walked the almost half mile from the parking lot to Meany Hall and discovered her group was warming up.  I left her to join her group while I went to the bathroom for a meltdown.  Damn these meltdowns are too close together.  I am melting down in the stall when I realize that if her group is warming up they are about to go on stage.  I pulled my shit together and raced into the auditorium to find a seat.  I just made it as the previous band was heading off stage.  Clap, clap, clap – I think they did great.

After the performance and the kids were done with their band picture, we headed over to lunch, then took a short tour of campus.  Since her group was going to stay for a while and listen to other bands play, Mikala decided to leave early and go home with me.  At some point, I noticed my low tire pressure light was on.  I didn’t think much of it (pretend it’s not on – just ignore it and it will go away…) and wanted to get past most of the Tacoma traffic before stopping.  I drove all of the way down to Dupont (close to home) before pulling over.  In hindsight, probably not the best idea, but I wanted to be done with this long day.

By the time I pulled over, my damn tire was FLAT!  It wouldn’t even take any air; I could hear it hissing out as I tried putting more air in.  Time to change my flat tire (thanks, dad for those lessons), and Mikala is going to learn how.  I am from the southeast and have had flat tires / car troubles before, and people stop and ask if you need help – at least in my past experiences.  We were at a super busy gas station with tons of people coming and going and not a single person asked if we needed any help.  And, as we were trying to finish up and put everything back in the car, I moved out of the way for an old guy to back in right beside of us.  It is not a parking spot – it is where you pull up and get air.  And, he was backing up whether I was moving or not.  Rude!

Image:  My helper!

I was so distracted by the guy trying to run me over that I forgot to check the air in spare tire.  After I got on the road, I realized the low tire pressure light was still on.  So, I pulled over at another gas station where a lady was partially blocking the air machine.  Her hood was up and she came out of the store with oil and funnel.  Then she just sat in her car with the door open on her phone.  I could not get close enough to the machine at the angle I pulled in, so I let her know I was backing up.  She did offer to move, but I was on a mission at that point and didn’t need her to.  Air pressure was good, so we pulled away, and headed home.  Oh, maybe I need to get this taken care of now, so I called Grey for guidance on what to do.  Go to Les Schwab.  NO, NO, NO!  – I just want to go home… I am so damn tired.  So, I go to Les Schwab where they tell me it’s going to be an hour.  I am so done with this day.  Grey picked us up – we’re only 10 minutes away – and we came home, ate dinner, then picked the car back up.  YEAH!  I did not ruin the tire by trying to make it home.

Again, life does not care if you have cancer or are exhausted from chemo.  Every day events and responsibilities keep occurring and adding the potential for more stressors in your path.  At this point, I am too tired to stress out about tomorrow being my first ‘big kid’ chemo day where I go alone to my infusion appointment.

 

Current status:  Tomorrow, May 2, I go in for a 2^nd operation.  On April 12^th with my first surgery, – I have a story to tell about that crazy experience! – they did get ‘clear margins’ around the tumor, BUT… only about 1mm in one area, so my surgeon wants to take a bit more tissue to be more confident all of the cancer is gone.  UGH!