Sunshine in April

I finished four rounds of A/C (Adriamycin / Cytoxan) chemo the Tuesday after Christmas.  My body and brain completely understand why there is a limit on how much of the A that a person can have in a lifetime.  I am so over that poison.

Brain juice.  My ‘brain juice’ includes sunshine, laughter and exercise.  Sunshine is in very limited supply in western Washington through the winters, so I have to rely on exercise and laughter to get through.  Depression takes away much of the laughter from my soul in spite of how much I fight to keep it.  I have dealt with depression since about age 11, and I am quite skilled in battling the negatives as I’ve had years of practice.  However, with the long cold and grey winters here that practice is challenged regularly and each winter takes more of a toll.  That leaves exercise.  My ability to exercise is extremely limited during this process, and as much as I try to stay positive my brain gets seeped into the negative.  These poisons have taken my energy and my ability to exercise as much as I want and need to.   I really did not need another challenge to deal with through the winter months.

Jan 1, 2018.  Happy New Year!  DAMN!  I wake up bone tired on day one.  It is hard to start the day and feel motivated for anything when you wake up and feel like you have just run a marathon.  I have never actually run a marathon, but I imagine this is how tired I would be after one.  My brain is tired too; or maybe my body is just pulling it down as well.  Either way, this is not how I want to start the first day of the new year.  At least I am still alive and fighting cancer rather than being in ignorant bliss, allowing the cancer to go unchecked in my body rapidly dividing and taking it over.  Another thought is that this is probably better than waking up with a hangover…  Gotta find the positive reframes!

Reframing.  Much of what we experience is either made worse or better by our mindset.  Especially in battling health issues like depression, it is extremely important to reword / reframe those negative tapes in our minds.  I also know how hard it is to do that, especially when our body chemistry is working against us, whether through depression or the side effects of chemo.  And I also know how imperative it is to do those mental reframes and make those healthy thoughts and behaviors a priority.  That is why I try to face each day head on, and the years of practice have helped me learn to find the positive reframes most days.

New Year Resolution?  Hmmm, what sort of goal can I come up with for the new year?  Of course, one goal is to finish treatment and be cancer free, but I want more.  I have been thinking a long time about doing something around public speaking engagements and getting back into encouraging and helping people towards health and wellness – not only body-mind health and wellness, but self-care and healthier interactions with others.  I’ve always combined my health science education and psychology degrees through teaching students in my little corner of the world, and I want to reach out and encourage more people.  I have thought about becoming a consultant, being a life coach, and/or doing motivational / public speaking engagements.  I am not sure how to get started and know that my energy will hinder this until I start moving into the upswing after chemo and surgery, maybe even not until after radiation.  If I can survive this, I want to be a catalyst for others to thrive and enjoy life to the fullest.

Tuesday.  Jan. 2.  Can we not start with this bone tired fatigue first thing in the morning yet another day?!   I am so glad the A/C combo is done and over.  With how I am feeling on my off week right now, I don’t even want to agree to next Tuesday’s first Taxol infusion.  Screw that damn positive mindset shit!  (I know how to use it, I didn’t say that I’m always able to…).  They – doc, nurses, cancer patients who’ve been there – keep telling me that Taxol is much easier than A/C.  I’m calling their bullshit right now.  I do NOT believe them.  I am so freaked out about yet more chemo.  Grey even encouraged me not to set my expectations too high about this next phase of chemo – maybe he doesn’t believe it will be easier either?!  This cold weather is NOT helping my mindset…  Alas, I know that I must continue.  I can give myself a moment or 10 moments or even a full day, then I need to reframe.  I need to find a way to keep going.

Finding the positive.  Something that helps me reframe over the weeks are my amazing food fairies and the visits when possible.  I have not seen Sally in a few years, and here she is with her beautiful self, bringing food and company.  A few days later, I get a visit from Amy with not one but TWO meals!  Again, I get to visit with a friend who I have not seen in quite some time.  Next week, my food fairies include Heidi and Gerard, also beautiful and amazing people who are great company.  Through this I realize how bad I am about reaching out to people.  Mental note (if I remember…I need to write this down):  reach out more to my friends.  The people I do already reach out to are my sisters and my aunt who has been through breast cancer treatment.  I call them regularly for support, often just to chat during my slow strolls with Bear (he has ligament disease, so a ‘walk’ is more like a stroll with lots of stops for sniffs, peeing on every other plant, and occasional sit downs).  Even though she lives 2500 miles away, my big sis became one of my food fairies, sending me packages of meats from Omaha Steaks.  I am surprised at how fresh and delicious these meats taste.  YUM!

Sunday. 1/6.  Cancer interfering with my life!  My sisters and I get together every summer for a shared vacation, which we call ‘sister week.’  It is pretty awesome to bring at least some portion of each of our families together for vacation.  Yes, we actually do get along most of the time and enjoy each other’s company, which is why we keep coming together.  Unfortunately, someone is often left out of the full week’s experience due to schedules, so we keep trying to come up with a week that works better for all of us.  Washington schools are from early September to late June; Georgia schools are from early August to late May; and year-round schools are… yep, year round!  So you can see how difficult it is to plan with three different school schedules involved.  It seems that everyone is open the last week in June this year.  No, wait!  I am the hold out.  I probably won’t be done with radiation until the end of June, but I really don’t know when I will be done.  If I stay on track, the chemo will run through March, surgery will likely be sometime late Aprilish to give my body time to recover from chemo, and radiation will likely start late Mayish to give my body time to recover from surgery.  Then, radiation will last from 3 weeks (if I get the short term intense protocol) or upwards of 6 weeks (for the ‘normal’ process).  I don’t even know exactly when to make my summer plane reservations for.  The normal time?  Later?  If I go too early, I will still be tired from radiation.  If I go too late, I am there when Georgia schools start.  Damn cancer interfering with my life!  I’d normally be planning a winter break from the cold rainy western Washington winters, too.  Nope, not going anywhere with weekly chemo.  Damn cancer.

Image:  My sisters.

 

Taxol Tuesday. 1/9. Round ONE.  We have the same basic protocol with this chemo going in for blood draw first, then meeting with doc.  The doctor discusses the potential side effects with us, then goes through some side effects we need to be aware of and looking out for.  Thankfully, most patients don’t experience nausea on Taxol.  My pre-Taxol protocol includes 3 Decadron tablets (steroids in pill form) and Benadryl (antihistamine intravenously) to decrease chances of an allergic reaction along with Pepcid (acid blocker intravenously) to decrease stomach upset.  They also have a filter on the line for miniscule particles that may settle into the liquid.  During the first few treatments, we have to closely watch for an allergic reaction and if I am experiencing any symptoms of an allergic reaction – rash, shortness of breath…. –   I need to get the nurse right away.   Reactions generally happen within the first 10-15 minutes of treatment, but can be delayed, so I have to watch for a temperature, flush, chills and other signs of a reaction within the first few days.

Natural is not always good… Or, remember those reframes?  How to find the good in nature?  In spite of toxicity?!  The taxanes were originally products of trees and shrubs of the yew family, and Paclitaxel – or Taxol (brand name) as it is most commonly referred to – was originally from the Pacific Yew.  The taxanes, like Adriamycin and Cytoxan, interfere in the process of cell division, just in a different phase of it than A/C chemos.  This is why chemotherapy is not a one shot treatment, but a sequence of treatments meant to interfere with different phases of cell division dependent on the type of cancer.  Early on, the actual substances were taken directly from the bark and were at risk of being in short supply, so researchers had to come up with a way to reproduce these in a lab.  See why I love science so much?  Life saving with the discovery of natural toxins.  Amazing!  Yes, I do get really excited about that stuff.

Here is an interesting read that pulls together my two home states, North Carolina and Washington, working together towards cancer treatment:  A Story of Discovery:  Natural Compound Helps Treat Breast and Ovarian Cancers.

Taxol #1 down.  So far, I am just tired from the Benadryl.  I tried to sleep during the infusion, but the damn steroids keep me awake.  It’s like when you are tired and want to sleep, but your brain is wired from too much caffeine so you just lie there.  When done, we head out to our ‘chemo date’ lunch, then Grey drops me off for the Look Good Feel Better class that I was able to reschedule from the one cancelled in December.  Our volunteer leading the class is a most awesome energetic lady who is 72.  I just added her to my list of role models for aging.  I think I’ve had that mental list since I was a kid.  My parents were never been the best role models for self-care or aging well, so sometime in my teen years, I started making mental notes of people who I wanted to emulate.   I choose people who look like they care about life and living and seem genuinely happy and alive.  With this class, we get a free bag full of product and our fearless leader walks us through using each piece.  Chemo does harsh things to skin, hair and nails, so the American Cancer Society offers these classes across the country to give breast cancer patients some personal dignity.  I gave everyone a pretty good laugh when I fessed up to using my eye liner as my eyebrow pencil – oops, guess I need to pull out those reading glasses more.  Then I got to model a little hat with built in hair for our small class.

Image:  Check out my bald self, modeling a blond hairpiece:

After Taxol.  When we got home, I walked Bear.  I felt good all afternoon – WOW!   Over the next few days, I experienced only ONE mild blip of nausea which passed quickly, plenty of hot flashes, and one night of deep bone pain that was mostly relieved with Tylenol.

I am thinking maybe I did not need to take the quarter off if these infusions are going to be this easy to deal with.  Maybe I can handle twelve weeks of this and don’t have to only agree to one at a time.

 

Current:  Today is March 25 and tomorrow I have my last of the 12 weekly Taxol infusions.  YEAH!!!