Sunshine in April

The past.  I understand why some want to leave the past behind them and move forward.  We cannot change the past, so why bother, right?!   What we may not realize is that some parts of our being often hold on to the past, and without reprocessing those experiences, our bodies and minds won’t truly leave them in the past.  When we try so hard to deny how much something impacts us, we not only tamp down the bad, we also block out some of the good.  Yet sometimes going back through it is how we can move forward and not be inadvertently stuck there.  Going back through can help us reprocess the horrendous experiences and take back our power from them.  As cathartic as it can be, it is very hard for me to go back through these experiences and relive them in a way.  With each blog, I have to make the conscious choice of not just leaving the past behind me, but going back through head on.  Of letting those tears come and feeling the anxiety.  Feeling the grief.  Feeling the trauma.  That is part of my process in writing about and sharing my story, and here I share the fourth and final round of the Adriamycin / Cytoxan (A/C) part of this battle.

Resilience. For a while now, I have hated the phrase regarding not getting more than you can handle.  Tell that to the people who commit suicide or do crazy acts hurting themselves or others.  They definitely got more than they could handle.  Yes, many of life’s challenges can make us stronger, especially teaching us how resilient we can be.  They can also break you down to the point of no return.  I am a pretty darn resilient person, so I know I can make it through, even though this challenge is at a whole new level.  I also know that at times I already feel broken due to depression, especially in winter.  Now, at times make I feel shattered into pieces.

Since this started I have tried to function normally, taking Mikala to the So You Think You Can Dance tour at the Paramount in Seattle the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  We met with my cousin Chris and his wife to see their new apartment and have dinner.  They were my first food fairies buying our so yummy dinner at the Blueacre Seafood restaurant.  Great company, great show, and great food – wonderful outing.  The next Saturday was a fundraiser for Mikala’s school at Barnes & Noble, where groups of students perform (drama, orchestra, band, and choir) for the crowd.  This was sketchy as I had just shaved my hair that morning and this was my first outing with my bald head covered by a headscarf.  I hope I didn’t scare too many children…  Later that evening, we enjoyed Thanksmas dinner at Mike and Jennifer’s house.  Another great group gathering with exceptional food (can you tell how much I love food?!).   We did have to miss one of my favorite yearly events – Terrie and Tom’s annual Christmas party.  It is a fun night of crazy, boozy, inappropriate gifts exchanged while sitting with Santa and Mrs. Claus.  I hated to miss all of that laughter and friendship.  I have been able to make most of the Seahawks games at Terrie’s house, however, at least until halftime.  I am sure my liver appreciates that booze tastes really disgusting right now…   Terrie has been an amazing support checking in with me often about how I am doing.

Thieves.  I don’t remember what day, but earlier in the month, the Christmas presents I bought online for Mikala got stolen off of our porch, along with the new router Grey had bought.  ASSHOLES!  Amazon and Hollister were amazing and replaced almost everything (still need to contact Hollister for a couple of missing pieces).  Thank you to those companies.   For about a week, I was hoping to catch those assholes and put empty boxes on my porch, daring them to come back, as I lie in wait with my 88 pound pitbull ready to let him loose on them.  Other fun ideas I toyed with was filling boxes with glitter or the exploding paint packs they use for bank robberies, gaining pleasure at imaging them grabbing my boxes, thinking they are getting treats, and finding either extremely hard to get rid of paint or glitter all over their beings and vehicles.  Well, I got bored of that after a week when nothing happened.  I still may glitter up some boxes and just leave them on the porch next December.

Off week.  Monday, Dec. 18.  It’s one week from Christmas, and I am trying to find balance and function within my ‘new normal’ boundaries as much as possible.  Mikala and I head to Painted Plate downtown for some mother daughter time.  She has been asking to go so she can paint her sister a Christmas present:  #1 Plant Mom.  She is being thoughtful of others, but screw that – I am being selfish!  😉  I painted myself a present, a platter with Kindrick on it along with tulips, which helps me look forward to springtime.  A newfound knowledge from my short time of being bald is that bald heads are quite cold in the winter – c’mon spring, I’m ready for you already!

Image: Mikala and me at Painted Plate.

Tuesday. The mouth sores and sore feeling throat are not too much of an issue during chemo week; it is the off week in which they want to form the most.  Time to check out my new Magic Mouthwash the doc prescribed for the mouth and throat soreness.  OMFG, are you kidding me?  My Magic Mouthwash is cherry flavored.   I hate cherries.  UGH!  That is disgusting.  What the hell – this whole process is about doing things that pretty much suck.  I plow through even though the taste of it makes me gag some.  It does provide relief for my sore throat and mouth, so worth the exchange at this point as I am past the nauseous phase during the off week.

Wednesday.  I wake up with a general sense of not feeling well.  This is my in between week, and I am supposed to be feeling better.  Mentally, I am hoping next Tuesday’s blood work is bad so I don’t have to do round four yet.  A lady can dream about avoiding some more poison, right?!  I take my anxiety meds (maybe I am learning not to just suck it up), so that probably helped mentally, which also helps physically.  I gear up for my planned outing with Erica, and its turns out to be a great day overall.  I am getting out of the house, being a functioning human being, and with great company.  We went all around town getting Christmas shopping and some other errands completed – aaahhh, to function like a ‘normal’ (I use this word loosely and relates to my normal) human being is delightful.  Unfortunately, I missed the visit with my Food Fairy Food Jane, who I was very much looking forward to seeing.  Thank you Jane!

Thursday.  I meet Amy for the first time and we have lunch at Traditions.  I got her number from a friend and reached out because Amy is a fellow breast cancer patient who I bond with quickly.  Amy is through with chemo and surgery and is in the radiation portion of her treatment.  We talked like we have been long time friends.  Being a cancer patient often quickens the process of bonding with others who have also gotten the big C diagnosis.  It is an ingroup (a social group you identify with) that you never want to belong to, but when you are with others who are also in this group, there is a shared understanding that is hard to explain to others and a certain sense of comfort knowing they have been there in a sense – they get it on a whole different level.

Traditions Café is one of my favorite restaurants downtown for lunch, and I was very disappointed the soup I got was too spicy for me to eat.  I could have said something and asked to switch it out, but I was so into my conversation and my new friend that I did not even think about it.  I ate a few bites of soup, but it was too much to tolerate, so I focused on my delicious salad.  After our meal, I had a great walk with Bear around Capital Lake –  another good day overall – YEAH!

Friday. I was able to get out again and do more Christmas shopping.  It is a great distraction even though I’m still tired and shopping is not my favorite thing.  This year, the gifts are simple:  gift card, chocolate Santa, and a homemade ornament.  Mikala is much better at neatly putting the names on the ornaments than I am.  My insurance company calls and tells me to ignore the new anti-nausea medication rejection letter – they will pay for the new anti-nausea after all.  Well, shit!  They are a bit late as I have already been through three of the four bad rounds, but I’ll take it anyway.

Later that afternoon, Mikala I were able to pick up our exceptional dinner along with many treats from Anne.  It was so good to sit and visit for a while catching up with a woman I have always admired for her own resilience and beauty (inside and out).  After we get home and settled in, I get super anxious about the reality of round 4 coming up on Tuesday.  I am still afraid of getting sick, not only the puking kind, but the viral kind as well.  I hate the flu and this will be like the fourth round of flu in a few short weeks.

Saturday. That bald lady staring at me in the mirror is a constant reminder that I have cancer.  That I am in a battle for my life.  That if I give up this battle, it is only a matter of time before the cancer takes over and suffocates my body.  That I must continue to be brave.  If not for me, then for my loved ones.  They have saved my life multiple times through the years of depression that I hide and fight.  They don’t even know that their existence alone has helped; just knowing I have people who care and that my choices are not mine alone as they impact all of my loved ones helps me through the day at times.  I don’t say it enough.  I rely on you, my family especially, but friends, too.  I rely on you.  In my head.  In my heart.  In my soul.

Sunday / Christmas Eve.    This was our 2^nd year of a new holiday tradition.  We had a Swedish themed Christmas eve dinner with Asa (who is from Sweden), Chad and Mia.  Last year we were introduced to many of the traditional Swedish dishes served at Christmas time. It was so fun to try so many new and different foods:  3 different kinds of pickled herring, soft boiled eggs with a pinkish caviar paste, maybe some gravlax (I think), and other dishes that I cannot pronounce.  Or maybe I just cannot remember due to chemo brain…  I love my friend Asa’s energy – she is so often upbeat and positive – and, I wish I had a smidgeon of her energy, especially through this process.

Image:  Christmas snow

Monday / Christmas.  I offer to cook more than at Thanksgiving.  I need the distraction as this is the day before my fourth and final round of A/C.  I am happy to have enough energy to lose myself for a little while in prepping, cooking, and straightening the house.  When everyone arrives, I can be distracted and enjoy the company with my spouse, mother in law, kids and grandkids.  Everyone seemed to enjoy the day and the time together watching my sweet grandbabies, Aiden (almost 3) and Landon (4), play.

Image:  Aiden with daddy Matt, and Landon with mommy Lacy.  I’m WAY too young to be a grandma! 

Tuesday / Chemo day.  Finally, we have reached the fourth and final round of the little red devil (Adriamycin) and cytoxan (I don’t have a good nomer for this one as the other takes all the credit right now).  After my blood draw, we go see the doctor.  I like stats and numbers, because even with their limitations, it is something I can reference.  I asked my doc what my odds were because I know each case is unique based on a number of factors.  My webmd degree (that leads many of us to think we have more answers than an actual MD in spite of the years of medical school, internship and practice that they have on us) indicated to me that my odds are around 93% for survival and I wanted to check with my doc about that.  I probably just wanted confirmation that was my number for comfort.  Well, damn.  He said 80%.  That was NOT the number I was going for.  So, I’ll go for the number I like:  my white blood cell count was 20000 (remember it’s low below 4500 and puts you at risk for neutropenia and illness).  I don’t know why that this overproduction of white blood cells is a comfort for me – it makes me feel less susceptible to illness.  I don’t know if that is true or not, and I don’t ask…  I am just going with the comfort of it because what’s next is the dose dense A/C chemo along with the next round of side effects.  OMFG!  I am so glad this is the last A/C.

Image:  LAST A/C Chemo!

Wednesday.  In spite of dealing with the side effects (same old shit as usual with this one), I take Mikala to a doctor’s appointment.  There was a contestant on The Voice, Red Marlow from Alabama, who had lots of ‘Redisms’ -funny southern sayings and phrases to describe things.  One of the sayings was about having memory the size of a rat turd.  That fits my memory issues perfectly.  I do not even remember why my child had a doctor appointment on this day.  No clue – how bad is that?!  I do, however, remember Food Fairy Marilyn bringing us dinner.  I most definitely need her vinaigrette dressing recipe – SO SO GOOD!

Image:  My last Neulasta shot taken with a Neulasta commercial… Big Brother is watching?! LOL

Thursday.  As this is my worst day of the week as usual with this chemo protocol, I take half of my chocolates every three or so hours and just sleep the day away.  That way I don’t have to think much, feel much, just rest and sleep.

Friday.  Food Fairy Anne back to the rescue, bringing us Papa Murphy’s Pizza.  I so look forward to the visits and appreciate not having to think about what’s for dinner, then trying to get up and actually cook it.

Saturday.   I am so fucking tired as the cumulative effects take me so far down that all I can do is sit and put together a puzzle.  Thank you Lacy for knowing me well and giving me a nice stack of puzzles for Christmas.  It’s pretty much all that I have energy for.  I do not know how someone can hold down a ‘real’ job and go through this process.  I teach all online and work from the comfort of my home, and I have two weeks off during break.  Plus, I have decided to take winter quarter off for the weekly Taxol infusions.  I guess this is part of why cancer and treatment are much worse for others who have to work as much as possible in spite of the impact of treatment, not to mention the costs.  Again, I can reframe my situation as one of privilege.  I can go to the doctor when I need to without worrying about being able to afford it.  I am not worried about going broke or losing my home during my cancer battle.

Sunday, December 31 – Goodbye 2017!  I cleaned my kitchen today and did minimal straightening around the house.  It really sucks when just a little bit of cleaning expends ALL of your energy.  Yep, I’m done for the day.  We were invited to two parties to ring in the new year.  We make neither. Not even the short walk to my lovely neighbor, Christy’s.  Thankfully, David (her son) and Dillon (friend’s kid) walk down to get Mikala so at least she can enjoy the evening and ring in the new year with friends.  Christy is an amazing woman (another superwoman in my life), now a super nurse, who I have known since Mikala and David were just under a year old.  She has been superb about reaching out and checking in, especially around getting out for short walks if I can.

I am bummed to not have energy to celebrate and say good fucking bye to 2017.  Good bye to the little red devil chemo.  Good bye to the year I was diagnosed with cancer.

 

Current Status:  Tuesday, I completed my 14^th round of chemo, and Monday, 3/19, I head in for round 15.  The side effects of Taxol continue to accumulate, but are still nowhere near the voluntary flu I experienced with A/C.  I am on the countdown for the last Monday in March where I can ring the “I am fucking done with chemo” bell!