Sunshine in April

Anxiety.  Remember how I thought I was fine?  But I wasn’t.  Well, the anxiety kicked into high gear by Thursday night.  And on overdrive.  I have had panic attacks before, and ones I can laugh at because they are pretty funny, but nothing like this.  I didn’t have an imaginary bear in the woods who wanted into my tent or an imaginary shark in the water who was going to eat me alive.  I had a tumor.  Those creatures had me afraid of being attacked by outside predators. Now, the real predator was inside my body.

Reality.  A tumor was real and it was cancer and it was in my body rapidly dividing.  Couldn’t get more real than that.  I did not have a panic attack, just extreme anxiety.  Sleep was hard, and I was panicky all night.  I had eaten an edible (aka food that contains marijuana) to help me sleep.  It was NOT working.  I do not like the feeling of being ‘stoned’; It is not a pleasant experience to me.  However, I have found edibles to be exceptional for pain control and usually good for insomnia because I can rely on it to usually put me right to sleep!  Edibles get into your system in a way that smoking marijuana does not.  It is called a ‘body high’ and gives your body a feeling of heaviness.  I recently read pieces of a comprehensive literature review from the National Academy of Sciences , Engineering and Medicine titled The Health Effects of Cannabis and Cannabinoids:  The Current State of Evidence and Recommendations for Research.  A comprehensive literature review is when researchers find as many studies on a topic as possible, then weed through (no pun intended) the information to come up with conclusions, questions and potential for future research.  For my related issues, they found substantial evidence for treatment of chronic pain and anti-emetic (anti-nausea) for chemo-induced nausea and vomiting.  They found moderated evidence for short term sleep issues.  And they found limited evidence regarding anxiety symptoms.  That night, it was not working for anything!  At all!  I kept telling myself to be strong, take long deep breaths, and try to rest up for Friday.

The surgeon.  My stepdaughter drove me to the appointment, and I was meeting my chosen sister there.  She is great with asking questions, taking notes and making sure she (we in his case) understands the information.  We get all checked in and get back to the room.   Remember that anxiety thing?  Well, my first blood pressure reading was 220/102.  I was talking and would not sit still because I was so anxious.  So, the nurse retook it.  Still high (150/92), especially compared to my normal, but much better after I sat quietly and tried to relax.  The nurse was awesome, letting me know that she had been ‘through this twice’, and I was in good hands with the doctor.  Twice?!  Geez, not sure if that makes me feel better or worse at this point.  So I focused on the better because she was still alive and appeared well.

The doctor came in and did his exam, then sat with us to discuss what was going on.  According to him, it is favorable towards treatment that my tumors were estrogen positive.  However, he needs to get an MRI to give more information about the tumors. They appear subtle, so we need to see if they are connected, in lymph nodes, and if anything is going on in the other breast.  If the MRI shows a focused area (i.e. close together), then we can proceed with a lumpectomy (‘85% are treated this way’).  If we find multiple areas of concern then a mastectomy is recommended.   Staging of the tumor comes from surgery and being able to test some of the lymph nodes for cancer.  My pathology report shows precancerous cells, too.  That doesn’t sound good either.  It sounds just like more of my body trying to turn against me.  Any time there is cancer it is possible for cells to break off and travel to the lymph nodes (where they go first), then on to other parts of the body.  The grading of a tumor refers to how abnormal the individual cells are under microscope.  Staging refers to whether the tumor has spread or not.  The grading of my tumor is ‘high grade’, which is ‘of concern’ according to doc.  High grade comedo carcinoma with necrosis is at a high risk of being invasive.  I am not liking the sound of that!  The good thing is that it makes no difference whether we do surgery right now or in six weeks.   No difference to who?  Let’s get this cancer out asap!

Surgery First.  Apparently when you learn you have a cancerous tumor, the first person you see is a surgeon.  Often, you have surgery before you even see an oncologist.  I was told of this by my nurse friend, so I knew a tiny bit going in.

First weekend knowing I had cancer.  Back to that anxiety and my stepdaughter who knows me quite well.  She knew that I was NOT okay.  Apparently that car ride with me stressed her out a bit, so she called dad right away and told him to come home now.  I did feel better after visit and was ready for a 2 hour nap.  Of course, I knew Grey was coming home as well and am sure that helped alleviate some of my need to be strong.  I could give up the front – it wasn’t working anyway – and relax knowing that I was going to be taken care of with strength, care and great humor.  Still, after I got up, I called my primary doctor right away and asked for anti-anxiety meds.  I need all the resources I can muster.

Saturday.  I had a few more terms to look up, so I tried to educate myself some with this new language.  Geez, some of this is complicated to understand.  And, I still only have so much info, but I am learning.   And I am practicing letting go.  Letting go of the need to be strong and put on a front that I can handle everything by myself.  Letting go of the burden to carry this alone, leaning on my support.  Letting go of the need to have all of the answers right now. This is going to be a long ride and I do not need to stress myself out any more than I already have.

Waiting sucks.  It is much better having someone waiting with you.  Thank you to my chosen sister (and editor) for being there and holding my hand.  Thank you to my kid for getting dad home sooner.  And thank you to my spouse for coming when needed.

Current Status: Since I am so far behind where I am currently in treatment, I’ll end each post with a quick ‘current status’ update until I catch up.

On Tuesday (1/9/18), I started my first of 12 weekly rounds of Taxol.  This is only one drug instead of the two extra bad ones from the fall series.  Since it is weekly, I get a lower dose of ‘controlled poisoning’ with fewer side effects so far.  The is the first Thursday after a Tuesday chemo infusion that I have not been down for the count.  Other than being pretty tired with minor bone and muscle aches, I am feeling functional mentally and physically.  What a relief.  Maybe I won’t quit this one multiple times like I did the last! 😉