Sunshine in April

September.  I don’t remember exactly what evening it was, but I found a lump in my left breast some time in September, 2017.  I frankly thought it was nothing, even though I knew something was there and it wasn’t there before.  My immediate thoughts did not go to cancer, though that was a blip in the back of my mind.  See, my spouse has tried to teach me over the years that I would be better off not going straight to the negative and not create a problem until a real problem existed.  I guess having him in my ear has made a more positive person. At least a bit, let’s get real.  Anyway, I thought it was just some cyst or fibrous growth.  I mean, come on.  Those of us in middle age are finding lots of new things about our bodies and how they are aging in ways that maybe we’re not ready for yet – the grey hair, the expanding middle, the ‘age’ spots…  I thought this was just another little thing to deal with just before going through menopause. Which, I am frankly looking forward to.  I was like bring it on!  I’m ready.  So I used my ‘webmd’ and played google doc, confirming my lack of suspicion regarding cancer and thought I’d just keep an eye on it.

Two weeks later.  Yep, still there.  DAMN!  Guess I better go get it checked. Just in case.  I called the doctor and got in pretty quickly for an Oct. 4 appointment.  She agreed that it was probably fibrous, but we should get it checked just in case.

Mammograms.  Here is where I’ll sidetrack (yeah, I know, I do that a lot anyway)…  I had a mammogram sometime in early 2014.  My sister had a breast reduction and precancerous cells were found with one actually being a single cancer cell.  So, you would think with her case and my aunt having dealt with breast cancer at age 60, I’d be more proactive.  I’m pretty healthy – exercise regularly, eat fairly well, mostly limit alcohol (until summer get togethers, camping, AND fall Seahawks!), so I still did not consider myself at higher risk.  My sis didn’t have to go through any treatment, just keeping a check, so I’m in the clear, right?  I had the next mammogram referral sitting there… just sitting there… Yep, kept ignoring it for a year, then it wasn’t good anymore.  I did try!  Bottom line, I missed getting my ’15 and ’16 mammograms and here we were nearing the end of ’17.  LADIES – go in and get your mammograms done:  Do not put them off like I did.

Back to doctor.  She sent me for a 3-D mammogram, and again, I got in fairly fast there, probably because they had a cancellation (per scheduler) – she was actually surprised she could get me in so soon… On October 11, comes the squish.  Some of you know what I mean!  Turn this way, prop your boob up, arm up, stand still, squish, and pose for the camera!  She was awesome, and I am bummed that I did not write down her name.  She sat me down after screening and had to check with doc if he also wanted an ultrasound.  She was pretty sure he did.  This was the first inkling that this may not be going in the direction I had hoped. But, I was focused on trying to get Emerald City Comicon tickets for my kid, and had to ask my spouse to get them because my internet connection was bad.  See, still a bit in denial!  A small bit of denial can actually be a great thing (don’t have my source handy, but you can look that up under health psychology studies).  A bit of denial and a bit of narcissism.  A bit more and you cross the line in to unhealthy and potentially worse!

She comes back and we traipse into the ultrasound room.  I’m just there.  Just trying to be.  She does the ultrasound, and I ask if it is hard not to give results right away.  Her response?  “Oh, you WILL see the doctor today!”  WHAT?!  That doesn’t sound so good.

Doc T comes in, looks at ultrasound, does a bit of his own, then sits down to chat.  He says he can often tell definitely if a mass is cancer or not, but he cannot with mine.  The ultrasound makes it look like two lumps are there, and he is highly suspicious.  He goes through a spiel about what happens if it is not cancer and keeping an eye on it for changes.  Then he goes into a longer spiel about what happens if it is cancer.  WTF?!  “I hear you are on the fence about my case; which way are you leaning?” I ask.  His reply, “Frankly, I’ll be surprised if it is not cancer and I want to know what the hell it is. I’ll need a plausible explanation from the lab.”  He recommended a biopsy as soon as possible.  Off to the scheduler I go. Yes, they are nice enough to let you get dressed before sending you off to the next person in line. *I think I quoted him right, but I am going off of memory as I did not write down exact words at that time.*

Friday.  Two days to wait for next step.  The day my spouse is going hunting.  He has been looking forward to this trip for so long.  He has a new spot with a new hunting partner (he usually goes alone) and he is SO excited.  Both of us are trying to stay positive, and I’m looking forward to a week with my girl – we rarely have that kind of time together with just the two of us and we were both looking forward to a pretty chill girl’s week.

On Friday (10/13), he takes off and I go to my biopsy appointment.  I was pretty damn scared.  I won’t lie.  I’ve almost always been one to just suck it up and keep going.  Often alone as I live so far from family and hate asking people for help, especially just hand holding.  Yep, I’m working on that one still.  The biopsy isn’t too bad, just some minor pinches with the numbing medicine.  Four cores from each lump for pathologist to review.  They aren’t saying anything at this point, but I would almost bet that they can tell by the core samples what’s going on.  At least a pretty darn good educated guess.  Not saying anything.  Back to mammogram to make sure the markers are in place.  OH, when you have a biopsy somewhere, they put in metallic markers so future screening tools will show exactly where the biopsy took place.  Most of the time – in some cases they do move a bit.

It is one hell of a wait to see if you have cancer or not.  The weekend wasn’t too bad because I knew I would not get any results then.  But, come Monday, the anxiety shot through the roof.  Waiting.  Waiting. Waiting.  Calling…  Well, my first call on Friday was to let them know I had a biopsy.  Biopsy scheduler said it would take 3-4 business days, so probably have results back by Wednesday afternoon.  I called on Tuesday.  Just to let me doc know that I was impatiently waiting!  Why lie?!  They know.  Called again the next morning just to make sure they knew.  Nurse called me back right away and said message was on top of her pile and doc would call as soon as results came in.

It’s cancer!  I was SO thankful that she called me on that Wednesday and let me know over the phone without having to come into the office.  That would have been the car ride from hell, much less the car ride home.  I’d probably stifle some of my reaction – I did even over the phone while she gave me all of the preliminary info she had – I don’t like to cry in front of people and that was one hell of a gut wrenching cry after that phone call.

MOTHER FUCKER!