Sunshine in April

How many times have you lost your wallet? Keys? Phone? Brain? Ok – not your brain literally.

Are these things lost or simply misplaced? Most often they’re misplaced and not truly lost. Of course, they are in the last place we looked, because we stopped looking when we found them. Then we breathe a sigh of relief, laugh at our tendency to place our items in odd places instead of their designated resting spots and move on with our day.

The little things

These little losses are temporary, albeit quite stressful at times. Once the item is found, we go back to what we were doing, often forgetting the little glitch in time. But maybe these small item misplacements are reprieves in disguise, causing us to stop and focus, challenging us to practice self-soothing calmness amid what feels overwhelming in the moment, like we are facing a crisis.

The other day, I left home without my phone. OH NO! How am I going to contact my sis and let her know I need the storage key? How am I going to let my nephew know to meet me at road because I’m pulling a trailer and we’re in a hurry to pick up a couch by the deadline so storage space could be cancelled? What if…

What if I choose not to turn around and grab my phone? To leave it lost for a moment in time?

Let’s try that last one – let it go and practice calmness while the item is temporarily lost. I kept driving because I was in a hurry and considered the forgetful moment of leaving my phone in my haste may not be a bad thing. Shockingly, everything worked out and we completed our mission on time. My nephew was already waiting for me outside. We stopped and my sis already had the storage key waiting for us. The couch retrieval was an easy completion, and my nephew had his phone, so he took pics to show the empty locker in time to cancel by deadline. Losing my phone went without a hitch despite my moment of panic. Maybe the temporary ‘loss’ was my brain’s way of saying it will be ok as long as you practice being ok.

Losing keys on the other hand when I’m ready to leave and especially when running late is not as easy. Sometimes I leave early and sometimes I only leave enough time to make the deadline for my adventure. Other times, I just want to go for a drive. Losing keys is more stressful for me since I’m in the mindset to leave my comfort space. When my not lost brain has a plan, I find it stressful for those plans to change due to unforeseen circumstances like misplaced keys. Of course, it is always my husband’s fault – not my brain – that the keys are lost because I’m positive he was the last to use my car.

OOPS! They were hidden in my purse. My bad.

But again, maybe losing the keys is my unintentional way of saying stop. Breathe. It will be ok. Maybe these small losses are little ways to help us prepare for the big things. The big losses.

The big things

Big losses are not the temporary ones. Kids going off to college to practice becoming adults. Loved ones moving far away for a job or to be near family. Divorce. Death. Big losses change life as we know it forever, impacting daily life. They are the ones that challenge our brain’s stress levels for more than a short moment in time.

The losses that are permanent. We will no longer find the loved one walking into the kitchen for a snack. They’re no longer coming to the party. Never calling to check in. They are no longer able to meet for lunch. We won’t see them every day. We will no longer be annoyed when they… You know those behaviors, part of your dance of friendship and connection, that annoyed us in the moment, but we miss so dearly.

I went to a memorial the other day for a friend who was a couple of months younger than me. It was sad yet unique and special. His daughters and family didn’t have a traditional ceremony; they made it a memorial to their father, brother, son, uncle, friend. It was a special goodbye he would have appreciated. Our, of course at times annoying and most of the time awesome friend who loved to laugh and loved music, especially 80s rock. The dress code was rock T-shirts: Kiss, Metallica, Nirvana, AC/DC… His daughters put together a picture video with instrumental rock music playing and had his albums spread out on a table. I know, right? He still played records! It was a great gathering that honored his memory.

But this was a big loss. A permanent loss. Despite gathering to celebrate his life, the grieving was still there. Fresh memories; stories shared. The freshness of permanent loss. The intense sadness of the void. The anger of him leaving. Searching for how this could happen so quickly. The overwhelm of grief.

Stop.

Breathe.

Practice self-soothing.

Practice being ok. This one is so much harder. We want to stop the pain, deny the loss, hope it isn’t real. We want to find our loved one, yet we know it is unrealistic. Life goes on for those left behind and our missed loved one would want us to be ok. But it hurts.

Coping

As a way of coping, maybe we can intentionally lose the little things like our phone or keys and practice being in the moments of life focusing on what is in front of us. Focusing on the people and not the things.

Spend time in the present making new memories you can remember when the big things happen.

Because they will.

Because that is life.

Blog inspired by NYT article: Lost causes by Melissa Kirsch.