Sunshine in April

Listening and hearing are not the same thing. Hearing, or audition, is the perception of sound waves or vibrations in our environment. We may or may not tune into these sounds. We may, in a sense, be just mindlessly listening. In other words, we hear the sounds and the words, and we may even react to them out of automatic processing, but not have much investment in the meaning behind them. On the other hand, listening is the process of actively engaging in hearing and working to make sense, or decoding, those sounds. Mindfully listening is paying closer attention to the messages being received. 

Most of us love our devices. We have smart phones, tablets, laptops, desktop computers, televisions and we spend a lot of time on them, for some as much as twelve hours a day. We watch movies and shows. We scroll through social media. We watch videos. We watch people play games (I really don’t understand this one). We play games. We spend a lot of time checking out of the surrounding environment and into a virtual world. When we are interacting with others while partially, or often completely, distracted, we may be hearing the words, but we are not really listening. 

On top of our technological distractions, most of us think we are better listeners than we really are, and many of us think we’re great at multi-tasking. However, when we are multi-tasking like scrolling through social media while having a conversation, our attention is divided, and we miss much of the incoming information as we are only partially listening to our speaker. Sometimes, this is not a big deal. We’re just hanging out with friends or waiting for class to start. Other times, we may be missing important messages. When we have this divided attention, we are only partially focused on each of the tasks and missing potentially vital information as it impossible for our brains to fully focus on two separate tasks at one time. In addition, when we are multitasking, it takes us longer to complete tasks, and we are more prone to errors. 

What is like to have someone mindlessly listen to you? You’re talking but they’re tuned out. Maybe they’re pretending to listen but interrupt you with a completely different topic. What if your mindless listener is very important to you? The person is hearing your words and automatically responding, yet you can tell the full meaning behind your words are not being paid attention to? This type of mindless listening is something we often do habitually, and especially to close people in our world. We are so used to them and respond in such habitual ways, we think we already know what is going to be said and how we are supposed to react. When we mindlessly listen, and especially when we add in negative ego busting messages or in some way give feedback that the person’s message is not important, we create a disconfirming communication climate discounting the importance of our loved ones in our lives. This sort of relational climate leaves room for defensiveness, distrust and feelings of rejection.

Now think of the opposite. A time when you really felt heard. The person not only was able to hear your words, but also sensed the feelings and meaning behind those words. What was that like? This type of mindful listening takes mental and emotional energy, especially in the beginning stages of practice. It requires us to break through the external noise in our environment and shut down the internal noise inside our head. Then it requires us to tune in to the person giving the message, including what the person is saying and what nonverbals are being displayed. Mindful listening helps create a confirming, or supportive, communication climate and one in which builds openness, trust and feelings of acceptance.

Listening is probably the most important skill for building human relationships. We can talk about diversity, inclusiveness, emotional intelligence, and all of our other topics as much as we want, however if one is not actively listening, then many parts, or even all of the message, will be missed. 

Which kind of listener are you most of the time? Mindless or mindful?

And, which kind of listener do you want to be?