Sunshine in April

You may be wondering what bears, sharks and dentists have in common.  Isn’t it obvious?  Yeah, probably not.  Well, in my life their common connection is anxiety.  Yep, anxiety.  REAL anxiety.  The kind that leads to panic attacks.

First of all there are bears.  No, not the sweet stuffed teddy bears to cuddle up with at night.  The giant, ferocious kind that will eat you in a heartbeat.  Yes, that kind!  On winter, we were planning a backcountry camping trip to Yellowstone National Park in May.  I was so excited about this adventure and read everything about Yellowstone that I could find.  Unfortunately, everything I could find talked about the hungry bear population coming out of hibernation in spring.  I’ve been backcountry camping and hiking before and have mostly enjoyed the adventures.  I will admit a fear of bears and big cats, but I would go anyway.  Hiking is a great outdoor exercise, especially when you have great company to share the adventure with.  I was with a Special Forces soldier, so I’m safe right?  Whatever!  There are bears there!  Even sitting in my warm cozy apartment in Tacoma, Wa, I was terrified of bears.  On top of all of the literature about bears (hungry hungry bears, bears coming out hibernation looking for food), when we got to Yellowstone, we had to watch a video in order to get our camping permit.  What video you ask?  What else, but a video on the bear population in Yellowstone.  Bears who are hungry and coming out of hibernation.  And, of course, it included a few stories of people who did the wrong things while camping and were eaten.  Maybe they were not really eaten, but that’s what I heard.  Did I really need to watch this at this point?  No.  But they said I had to, so I did, with mounting anxiety.  I did not think it could go any higher.

Having earned our permit by watching that horrid video, we set off on our adventure.  My mind was full of bears.  I don’t care if bear attacks are rare.  They happen.  I don’t care that bears mostly eat plants and generally only steal meat from other animals.  They will eat meat.  They are hungry. We had about a five mile hike to our campsite.  I wonder if anyone ever shook a bear bell as much as I did that day.  On top of my bear bell, I had my lovely (or not so lovely) voice.  Yep, you guessed it.  I know the entire soundtrack from the movie Grease (thanks dad) and sang every song.  Over and over.  I did not care if we didn’t see any animals; I did not want to see a bear. We did see a lone bison over some plains before we entered the woods.  That one thousand plus pound beast did not scare me.  It wasn’t a bear.

At camp, we did all of the right things such as putting our food high up between two trees far away from our tent.  I really don’t remember if it was our first or second night at camp that it happened, but it did happen.  Kinda.  One bear tried entering our tent from the front.  I heard it rummaging around trying to get into the tent.  The second bear was at my side of the tent.  It also was rummaging around trying to figure out how to get in, then it put all of its weight onto me, crushing me to the point where I couldn’t breathe.  Gasping for air, I woke up.  Looking around, I could find no trace of the bears.  They were gone?  Nope. They were never there. They were all in my mind. I had created these bear attacks in my own dreams.  More so, they were created out of my own fears and overly vivid imagination.  I was slowly able to calm myself down.  Hey, I have jumped out of airplanes before.  I got this.  I took a lot of deep breaths, did some great self talk, did not even wake my partner, broke a chem light and took my book out.  Thankfully, I was smart enough not read When Bears Attack.  It was probably some mundane novel about murderous humans who we were safe from. 

I deal with anxiety on occasion and do have to practice calming myself down.  Thankfully, I have only had two panic attacks. The one about bears and another about trying to scuba dive with sharks.  They eat people, too!  We were just going for our first beach dive while working towards getting certified, and those sharks were not going to eat me as long as I could swim back to shore.  The dentist is added to my list because I almost had a panic attack during a procedure a few of months ago.  He is this very sweet man who has made a lot of money off of my parents’ lack of insistence for brushing and flossing regularly leading to cavities, crowns and early gingivitis.  I have visited him quite often over the years and am sure of his abilities.  However, for some reason, sitting in that chair the last few times has been quite anxiety provoking.  Some of you know exactly what I mean.

Even though anxiety and panic attacks may seem outrageous to some, the anxiety is real.  Believe me, it sometimes seems outrageous to us who experience it, too.  You can learn more about anxiety and anxiety disorders at the websites found at the end of this article.  I hope that even if you don’t suffer from anxiety, you are patient with those of us who do.  Thankfully, I can laugh at myself and my own overblown fears.  Others are not so fortunate. 

Bears and sharks really do eat people, so beware of dentists.