Sunshine in April

Which comes first, thoughts or emotions? Or do they happen at the same time? In psychology, we have differing theories about what happens first with each perspective having valid reasoning and explanations. However, here we are going to focus on thoughts coming first and looking at some ways we think irrationally. Emotions are not bad, even anger and sadness. It is our interpretation of the emotions and how we handle them that makes a huge difference.

The intersection of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors

If we are functioning well with our self-concept and interpersonal relationships, we tend to experience more positive emotions and healthier ways of dealing with those not so pleasant experiences.

But if we’re not there, those so-called negative emotions can be debilitative, potentially damaging our self-concept and our relationships. At times, these emotions can feel overwhelming then and create the dynamics of us feeling like we’re about to explode. Or implode. Then we behave in self and relational conflict, even to the point of abuse. This further creates that negative cycle of stress and despair.

What we often find people are experiencing with debilitative emotional regulation are irrational beliefs, or cognitive distortions. Irrational beliefs are distortions in our thoughts, perceptions and/or beliefs that are often firmly held even in spite of evidence to the contrary. Here we will look at different types of irrational beliefs and the next blog will offer an exercise on how to identify some patterns in thinking and emotional regulation with ways to address them in a healthier manner.

The fallacies

1.The fallacy of perfection:

• Do you get frustrated if you don’t do something right the first time through? Even something like learning a new skill?
• Are you extremely critical in your thoughts and self-talk when you or others make mistakes? 

The human condition is about making mistakes usually through trial and error. Mistakes cannot be avoided as they are part of life. If you experience thoughts around believing you should be perfect the first time you try, you may be dealing with the fallacy of perfection. When we have the fallacy of perfection, we are comparing reality to the ideal, and expecting the ideal to be the reality. This leaves no room for errors and no room for growth.

2.The fallacy of approval:

• Do you monitor your words and behaviors with different people and in different situations?
• Do you hide parts of yourself from others, even loved ones, because you fear they will not approve?
• Do you have a need to fit in and be liked?
• Do you have a tough time when someone reacts negatively to you or doesn’t like you? 

If so, then you may be dealing with the fallacy of approval. This is a belief that often leaves us with cognitive dissonance and disappointment in ourselves. It can also leave us let down if others don’t approve or give positive feedback. 

Do you like everyone you encounter? Do you approve of everything loved ones do? It is normal to have differences of opinion and not be liked by everyone. Each of us have different foods we like more than others. It’s not so different when it comes to people – our experience of them or their experience of us.

3.The fallacy of should:

• Do you should on yourself often?
• Do you should on others?

Stop and think of how often you use the should word. I should be better at math. My wife should know what I want without me having to spell it out for her. I should work out. Well, maybe the last one is true. 😉

Shoulds are often a conflict between reality and the ideal, especially the moral ideal. When we use words like should, we are placing critical judgments on ourselves, often producing feelings of guilt and no real behavioral changes. When we should on others, we are often giving ourselves a pat on the back for being morally superior. Bottom line:  Don’t should on yourself or others!

4.Fallacy of overgeneralization:

• Everything is going wrong.
• You always choose her side over mine.
• You never do the dishes.

These are examples of all or nothing thinking. Sometimes, maybe even often, these things are true, yet we extend those to full blown absolutes without recognizing – yes – people’s humanity, lacking perfection. When we stereotype, we are using the fallacy of overgeneralization and making a conclusion based on limited, often even erroneous information. When we overgeneralize, we discount parts of ourselves and others.

 5.Fallacy of causation:

• You make me so angry.
• You complete me.

The fallacy of causation places blame for our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors onto others. We give away our power to them and make them responsible for our reactions. Maybe you are angry because of something your friend did. It is still your anger, your emotion, your reaction to that friend. Part of emotional intelligence is taking responsibility for your own emotions and responses to events, empowering yourself and not placing blame or giving that power away to others.

6.Fallacy of catastrophic expectations:

• I am NOT getting on a plane because planes crash, and everyone dies.
• I can’t do a report in front of class because I will have a panic attack.
• That thing probably won’t work. 

This is a debilitative thinking pattern around Murphy’s Law – if something can possibly go wrong, it will. When we have this fallacy, we may get to the point of obsessing over the negatives that something bad will happen. In some instances, this type of thinking can even lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, or a fulfillment of the negative event: “I’m sure I won’t get this job, so you do poorly in the interview.” Then you don’t get the job because your negative self-talk led you to being stuck in your headspace and interviewing poorly, and that reinforces the negative mindset.

7.Fallacy of helplessness:

• I can’t lose these last 10 pounds. But, if I did, I would be happy.
• I’m not going to pass algebra, so why should I even try?  I just can’t understand it. 
• No matter what I do, it won’t make a difference. 

This fallacy makes us believe our life satisfaction, happiness and success is based on things out of our control. This learned helplessness and lack of personal empowerment is the opposite of self-efficacy, the belief that you can. No, we don’t have control over everything in life. Life happens. We do, however, have control of our choices and the way we react to those life events.

BUT WAIT, there’s more…

Another sort of irrational thinking not listed includes social comparison and comparing your insides to others’ outsides. I learned this from a friend who is part of Alcoholics Anonymous (who is doing fabulously in long term recovery). This reflects feelings of inadequacy on some level, and we are comparing our thoughts and feelings to other people’s public presentation. For example, we see beautiful Nora come in, so sure and confident and dressed in the latest fashion. She has her stuff together, and here I am barely holding my stuff together. What we are not seeing is the person’s depression, trauma, or feelings of self-doubt. Maybe from all of this, Nora has even been considering suicide, but forces herself out to function at work and in public. In therapy, she learned that getting up, getting dressed as professionally as possible, and making herself go out in the world can help get her out of her obsessive headspace. We cannot see from her external appearance all she has and continues to go through, only that she appears to be doing well. We have unfairly compared what is going on with us internally, or our inside fears and insecurities, with her outside appearance. 

Building insight

For the next week or so, I encourage you to take stock of those thoughts that pop into your head and may be contributing to your own personal fallacies, self-doubts, and interpersonal conflict. Maybe now is the time to start working on more rational thinking!