Sunshine in April

March 1.  Thursday.  I cannot believe I have made it to my last month of chemo.  I have been able to stay on track without any setbacks so I can finish by the end of the month, just in time for my birthday at the beginning of April.  I am not out of the woods yet, and can tell the weekly infusions are catching up with me with the side effects increasing.  I can and will stay strong.  Just one more month.  Just four more infusions.  Almost to the end of the chemo phase of treatment.  I can.  I can.  I can make it through this.

Today, I took my car in for a recall on the passenger side airbag.  I am just trying to make it through normal functioning, though I most definitely look like a cancer patient, and I can see it in the eyes and faces of the people everywhere I go, including those in the Subaru service department.  Even though I am not emaciated and gaunt, my drawn face, lightly graying skin and heavy body show the signs of how weak and tired I am pretty much daily at this point.  Plus, the beanies and wraps I wear are a good giveaway.  They don’t hide the bald head.  Oh, and the lack of eyebrows and eyelashes are a clue as well.

Friday.  Wow!  I have some hair on my head.  It’s bizarre because the hair over my entire body is thinning, but the hair on my head is starting to grow back.  It is not ‘normal’ looking hair; it is like a teensy bit of peach fuzz and it is so white – OMG!  I look like a little old man – ha ha!  Funny enough, my dad’s hair may be thinning, but he still has a lot of hair in his 70s.  No bald spots for him, so I look more like my grandpa than my dad.

As a nice end to the week, I find out that Grey got into Harmony Hill – YEAH – so we will be heading there next Friday.  Tomorrow, we have Emerald City Comicon tickets, and I am so tired I don’t know how long I’ll make it or if I’ll even have the energy to go.  It is funny now to think of when we bought the tickets.  They went on sale the same day as my mammogram appointment.  I remember sitting in a dressing area after having my mammogram done, waiting while the technician checked with the doctor about doing an ultrasound.  I wasn’t able to pull up the tickets on my phone, so I texted Grey to buy them. The Saturday tickets sell out fairly fast, so I wanted to make sure we got them.  I remember that day thinking that it was NOT a good thing the doc would probably want an ultrasound, and the thought of purchasing tickets for a fun event was a good distraction.  Little did I know the what these next few months would be like.

On this Friday, I also made some time to do school work in preparation for spring quarter.  I wasn’t able to focus for long so it was a short workday.  This lack of focus makes me worried for spring as spring classes start the first Monday in April – just a month away.  I totally am not telling anyone about my fears.  They may be upset and frustrated with me for not allowing myself more time to heal. Maybe I’m not being honest with myself either, but there is a part of me that needs this sense of normalcy, even though I will have surgery sometime in April and a month later start radiation.  I can do this!

Food Fairies.  I stopped the twice weekly food schedule when I was feeling better with these weekly infusions, but then realized that the side effects would build.  I was having issues with feeling like I did not deserve all of the wonderful kindness and generosity.  It felt overwhelming at times, like I would never be able to repay these favors.  Mikala and Grey had no such qualms and were missing the twice weekly food fairy meals – a surprise with each visit, along with many treats.  I gave in because I so appreciated them and just needed reminding that they were gifts and not debts that needed to be repaid.  They were offerings of love and caring as there is only so much people can do to help those going through illnesses and treatments.  Today was a great reminder of how important the food fairies and community support mean.  I got to see Food Fairy Jane, who I had not seen in a few years.  She is such an amazing woman, so social and giving of herself to others and the community.  My food fairies are an amazing and interesting group of kind caring people.

Saturday.  Emerald City Comic Con (ECCC).  The things we do for our children, then find them fun.  If you don’t know anything about Comic-Cons, they started in the 1970s as a celebration of comic books and works around science fiction and fantasy.  Now, decades later, these mini-cons have evolved into mega-cons celebrating pop culture including comic books, graphic novels, role playing games, science fiction, fantasy, computer games, and held in multiple cities around the world.  One interesting part is to see all of the cosplay – it is like Halloween on steroids and quite amazing how creative participants can be.

Mikala is a huge Harry Potter fan, and at ECCC, we saw the Weasley twins on stage for a Q&A session (very engaging and funny) our first year.  Our second year, she got to meet Malfoy (Tom Felton is not like his character at all) and in true fangirl fashion was barely able to speak for a moment.  My sister introduced me to The Walking Dead, and I got a peek at Daryl (so many people in line to meet him) one year, met Merle our second year, and met King Ezekiel this, our third, year.  He recognized the signs right away and talked about his dad’s second battle with cancer.  It is neat to see and meet these people you see on television and in movies, and most of them are personable and interesting to talk to.  After meeting the King, we walked over and met Ricky Whittle (American Gods), and I must have been really tired because I said hi, he opened his arms, and I walked right in lying my head on his chest.  Ha ha!  A few hugs and chest lays later, a very short talk of cancer, and some talk about American Gods, and off we went leaving my new ‘boyfriend’ behind.

A great day in spite of being so tired.  The rest of the time was spent walking slowly through the exhibits and not realizing our group pic was a gif and not a picture…

https://www.simplebooth.com/pic/fHXtuW5

I was tired when I got home, but energized from the fun outing, not exhausted as I had feared.

Sunday.  The dreaded anxiety yet again.  It seems to come out of the blue, slowly rearing it’s head.  Or maybe I just try to remain in denial that it is there, so it seems like it is a sneaky little devil, when in reality it is right there the whole time.

Monday .  Just your regular dental cleaning kind of day.  Thankfully, all is well, which is amazing due to the poison my body is going through.  YEAH!

Tuesday.  March 6.  Chemo day.  Doctor day.   When you go into the oncology building, you’re supposed to check in at the front desk so they know who is there.  My friend, and one of my amazing food fairies, Mary was going to meet me at chemo today, and I looked for her, but didn’t see her, so I went back to the infusion area to get started.  I knew they would let her come back when she came in. I have been pretty bad about NOT checking in at the front desk (sometimes it’s a line and a wait) and just walking back to the infusion area, where you ‘have’ to check in to get by the desk.  Unfortunately, Mary got there shortly after me and was waiting for me out front because the front desk lady did not have a record of me having checked in yet… OOPS!  I felt bad that she had to wait, and was so happy to see her and have the time go by much faster with positive company.  It was also fun to introduce her to my Chinese oncologist as Mary has visited China a few times and is planning to do so again.  It was interesting listening to them talk about places they’ve both been and he kept telling me I needed to go visit.  He is such a neat guy.

We talked about Seattle Cancer Care Alliance appointment that is now scheduled for the end of the month, and scheduling a post chemo contrast MRI to compare to the first one.  My appointment with them on the 27^th.  We also talked about the issues I’ve been having with my eyes – blurred vision, watery eyes…  That is probably from the steroids, so he decreased the dexamethasone from 12 mg to 8 mg before infusions.  I also asked about a massage referral.  Might as well try and get some perks from this horrendous path I’m walking on.  I don’t know if I said this, but the doctor visits are focused on how you are tolerating chemotherapy and what side effects need further discussion and treatment.

It was great spending time with Mary, though I don’t think she particularly liked the experience.  It is hard watching loved ones go through hell when there’s only so much you can do.  Plus, it is difficult for anyone who has not experienced or seen this firsthand to wrap their head around using poison to ‘treat’ cancer.  It is an overwhelming process indeed.  When I got home, I was tired all afternoon.

I may still be tired, but I only have three more infusions to go!  I’ve got this!

 

Current status:  I needed a break from writing to finish spring quarter and make it through the daily radiation treatments.  Now I am DONE with treatment – WAHOO!!!! And finally able to be on the East coast visiting my family.